Come Be My Light

First, thank you everyone who wrote encouraging notes on and off the blog and for the phone call and prayer...it helped my outlook. I'm still in the painful and stiff phase of the CFS, however, my outlook seems brighter. It really did feel good to just write about it and "get if off my chest."

Since I wrote the quotes from Amy Carmichael, I have been thinking about her idea of God being our home. It's kind of funny, but not really, that that would jump off the page at me. I grew up in Everett/Lake Stevens/Mukilteo, Washington. When I return it seems foreign. Yuppies everywhere, traffic, rudeness. It's just not the same. I feel like a foreigner, a visitor or someone who doesn't belong. My adopted "home", Bellingham, where I lived from 1990 until I married...well, it's still lovely, the people are still friendly and my church family welcomes us each time we visit with open arms. I still maintain friendships with nurses, doctors and staff that I worked with and I love going back. But many things have changed and time has marched on without me. It doesn't feel like home. Where we live in CA has never quite become home. It is home...I've been here for almost 9 years, but here too, I feel like an Outsider. As my husband and I have researched different areas for re-location (we love the new friends we are making in our church family but this is not a healthy place for me to live with my asthma!), I keep wondering, "Will I find home? Where will it be?" If I think on it too long, the ideas grow in my mind. It's a slippery slope from research/planning to discontent/Cinderella thinking.

I've always told my husband that I would be happy anywhere, even if I hated it, even it if it were a cardboard box under a freeway overpass, as long as he were with me. Naturally, that wouldn't be my first choice! LOL But truly, he brings me joy and I have grown as a person because of his love. It would be foolishness to allow him to meet all my needs, or to allow any one person to meet all my needs, make me happy or bring me fulfillment.

That is why I can only ever have One True Home. I am reminded too of the verses that say that we are not of this world; this world is not our home, and I realize that I have had Home with me all along. I feel now as if I can sigh! It's a relief! It truly will not matter where I live, where we live, whether or not there is enough room or if the roof leaks. One day the trumpet will sound and "we're gonna blow this pop stand"! Until then I will grow content in my Home wherever my earthly dwelling may be.

Isn't it odd that the simplest things often take the most time and heartache to learn?

Appropriately my current reading is Come Be My Light, which is composed of letters and writings of Mother Teresa concerning her feelings of spiritual darkness through the last decades of her life. The media blew this all out of proportion, making it sound like she doubted God. In reality, she is saying, "I believe, but I don't feel." Can any one of us say that we have never felt this? She felt that this was probably "sent" to her to experience suffering as did Christ. I am not sure that I agree with that and I probably will disagree with many things she writes. I am not totally anti-Catholic, but realistically, I am Protestant for a reason and so likely there will be things I cannot agree with. I'm looking forward to hearing what she wrote and I am intrigued by her honesty in recording these thoughts. I will be reading this along with my friend from church. She is a young Mom and the hope is that our children will play together and that somehow inbetween all that we will get to talk about the book. The first time will be tomorrow, Lord willing and so I am looking forward.

Vulnerability and the Blog

My friend Susan, who is also the director of women's ministry at my church wrote a very interesting blog post about "taking off the mask". This was also the theme of the women's retreat I was unable to attend because of the smoke at Lake Tahoe. Judging by her post, I missed a lot! Her post talks about how when we are hurting, we need to take off the mask and we need help. Wow! It's much easier to give help than receive it, isn't it?

For me, sometimes writing on my blog is taking off that proverbial mask. It is somewhat safe to do so here where only a few of my real life friends and family read. There is some risk involved and yes my feelings could potentially get hurt, but there is a certain degree of anonymity. Yet, in the alternative world of the web, I think a blog can also serve as a mask. It shows a certain persona, a part of our own persona, but it remains two dimensional.

Today I feel vulnerable. I have been swimming in the Overwhelming Sea for several months and the events of the last few weeks have shown me that it is time to quit struggling. Just like a drowning swimmer's struggles often prevent their rescue, so my emotional flailings often prevent the Great Physician from treating me. I took my mask off, I'm readjusting my vision and I'm trying to follow His plan, not mine! Sounds simple, right? Not really.

Since 1991 I have struggled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and "chronic severe migraines" since 1995. I have rarely discussed the CFS because most people don't understand it and therefore think you are a hypochondriac. I have tried ignoring it for many years, but that does not make it disappear. The recent struggles with our son in discipline and attitude issues as well as the extreme grief have worn me down physically to the point that I often feel useless to my family. And as I have made more friends at my new church, the fatigue issues come bubbling to the surface. When I deal with the minimal amount of people, then I can keep the mask on. The more I deal with people, the more difficult it becomes. It's hard for people to understand when I cannot participate on the same levels that they can. If I do something one day, then I am "wiped" for several days or a week. Even more frustrating to me is the fact that in the last year I have had "surges" of "normal people energy" when I have been able to paint, help put in our laminate floor, decorate and organize. But our home shows the obvious signs of what happens when the energy surge ends!

I know I am rambling now. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do have times of being sad and remorseful. I am afterall human. And today I have decided to ask for help. Will you pray for me? Will you ask the Father to heal me that I may glorify Him in caring for my family and in serving Him?

In the meantime I have been doing some research and reading and I am trying to do things that will help myself. I am looking into a gluten free or at least a wheat free diet to help with my asthma and body fatigue and hopefully lose weight. (Gluten is inflammatory in the body...asthma and allergies are inflammatory diseases, so some people have had great success) It's not very easy. It seems like having another job. But, this does seem to be the next step in the journey I have been taking to eat healthier. Now, if I could get rid of my insomnia so that I could wake up early enough to exercise with my husband, that would be good. One step at a time.

Do any of you deal with chronic fatigue or pain? Do you need to lose a large amount of weight? May I pray for you too? I think I am going to blog my health journey here...that way I have a way to be accountable.

In closing I want to share from a devotional I began re-reading yesterday, called Rekindly The Inner Fire: You are my Hiding Place by David Hazard. It is a 40 day devotional focusing on the writings of Amy Carmichael, an Irish woman who spent the majority of her days serving as a missionary in India. She was the first person to take on the horrific practice the Hindus kept of dedicating small girls to temple prostitution service. She also lived her last 30 years or so in severe pain. Her writings are sometimes difficult to read because of her style but if you persevere, you will find gems of faith.

The first day's reading is titled "Learning to Live 'At Home'". She wrote, "We need to live more at home" and goes on to further discuss that Jesus is our home! She continually re-directs the reader to the price Christ paid for our redemption:

Home of my heart, lest I forget
My redemption's cost to Thee,
Let my earliest thought be set
Upon thy Calvary.

David Hazard writes in closing prayer, "My Father, something inward tells me I have been living scattered. Sometimes anxious. Restless. Distracted. Wandering inside. I fix my eyes upon the cross now -- upon the post and crossbeam which became my one bridge back to your side. And I lift my eyes beyond the cross, to the One who sits beside you -- to Jesus, the Risen One! My Lord, my brother, with arms outstretched in welcome. Calling to me: 'Come home.' I come, Father, to hide myself in you."

My scattered, restless heart is going Home. Will you join me? I know He will open His arms as the father in the Prodigal Son parable, to welcome us in joyous love!

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7

Turning Six (Long/Picture Intensive)

I apologize ahead of time for the long post but we have been partying in the L family this week! LOL Lots of pics for Grandparents and family who live far away to see. D's sixth birthday started a few days early when his Uncle L and Aunt K came over and brought him some really cool stuff. His favorite is probably a new Lightning and Mater shirt! We are all about Pixar Cars 24/7 around here to the point that Mom is going crazy! :o) I guess it is better than some alternatives.
Aunt K never forgets the girls. They got a little comb and mirror set with hair clips. This is A putting the hair clips in.
On D's third bd we began going to the pumpkin patch. This year hubby took the day off and he drove the girls in the van and I drove my friend J and her son S in the other car. D was sooooo excited to sit next to a friend in the car. He has only had to share with sisters, something he is not always thrilled about! That morning D drew S a picture of an airplane. S drew D a picture too and they exchanged pics in the car. We went to a pumpkin farm in a neighboring city. It poured down rain the night before so the pumpkins were covered and the hay was wet when we arrived.
One year I grew "Indian Corn" and it is so pretty. I hope to do it again some time. This corn was beautiful in the sunlight.
The first activity of the day was to take a hay ride. Here is L to R, J holding a picture she drew for her friend that came later, D, S and A. My friend Sonia came too with her two children as well as a new friend, a lady who attends the Arabic church that meets in our church. I didn't put pictures in of them because I didn't have permission to put them on the web. I was sooo THANKFUL for Sonia's kids who are older than mine because they were so gentle and kind with the little ones and really helped out a lot.
This is S with his Mom, my friend J from Bible study. She's a neat gal and I am really enjoying getting to know her. It's a small world...I just found out that her parents grew up just over the Canadian border from mine.
Hubby took these great shots from the hay ride. You can see the rain clouds were just barely gone when we arrived.
They also grow sunflowers, corn, zinnias, Cock's Comb and other flowers.Here are some of the pumpkins categorized by size. We all got to take a little one home with us.
The eternal quest...getting a good photo of all three of my children. They may be 50 before that happens! LOL In these pics it is J, A, D.
J held her pumpkin like she was getting ready to bowl with it! Maybe she'll take after her Daddy and her Papa Dan and be a bowler.
Nobody ever looks at the camera, or the same camera or smiles at the same time! Mom is usually aggravated and ends up with steam coming out her ears each time we try it! LOL
The girls really admire their big brother. They were looking at him and what he was doing to take their cues for what they would do.

Look at all that help pulling the wagon! The wagons were for carting pumpkins, which we did later on, but we also this for coats, purses and camera bags as well as wearing out the kids! LOLD doesn't have any boys his age at church, just girls, but he has made friends with two little boys about his sisters' age. One, N couldn't come because he had hand surgery that same morning. This is S. D has always been very affectionate and likes to hug his friends.
Next stop was the petting zoo. Sonia's kids bought some grain pellets to fead the goats...who are always hungry! D didn't want any part of it but the girls all got a kick out of the tongues on their hands. A and J.
A in particular had fun doing this. It was fun to watch her expressions.

Here's our friend A (who wanted to climb in with the goats!), our A and J.

I asked the girls to turn around becuase I thought it would make a cute picture but only A did. Our little diva can be quite the poser at times!

Here's A again with the goats. You can see the delight in her face! :-)
They have pony rides on the weekend, but not during the week. The ponies were all kind of sad looking. I felt sorry for them. They also had some sheep, which looked like meat breeds, turkeys, chickens, llamas and pigs.
D didn't want much to do with the animals, so he pulled Dad and Steven down to see this Mater which was part of a decorating contest. D loves Mater and was delighted to see him!

Since Mom wasn't there, he broke the rules, went behind the lines and even checked out Mater's head lights...look at the joy in his face! LOL (They did put it back!)
Then, to his further delight, there was an old truck that was rusted in similar colors to Mater. Pretty cool when you are six!
He had to check it all out and inspected the lights and grill.
Then he opened and looked inside. He told me it was pretty "gross".
There was a lot to do for little ones, including a haunted house, a corn maze and a big slide. Since we don't celebrate Halloween, I'm surprised that my kids wanted to go in the haunted house but hubby said it was a pretty mild one and that J actually laughed through out it. They have never seen scary stuff, so she didn't know that it wasn't just silly. I sat and talked with Sonia during these events because my asthma was acting up with all the wet hay and other stuff there. The above picture is the kids heading through the corn maze.

I like this picture of J and my friend J is in the distance. She is my little nature girl and it's not uncommon to find her alone absorbed in something interesting. Hubby said she liked touching all the corn stalks when they went through.
This is a cool shot of S that Hubby took. He is wearing a Spiderman shirt that belonged to his 12 yo brother when he was little.
This isn't a great shot photographically but I thought it was funny. J looks like a stunt woman getting ready to jump on a running horse or moving car! LOL S looks like he's saying "Wow! Look what she's going to do!"

The kiddy train wasn't running but I got cute pics of the kids. I couldn't share most of them because they had the other kids in the photos. This one is A.
And this one is the Birthday Boy himself!

Naturally it wouldn't be a complete pumpkin patch without a pumpkin headed scarecrow!
Here is A, proud with her pick of pumpkins. The kids have been carting them around the house like toys. Why no, we don't get out much! LOL
This is my friend's little guy and since his face wasn't showing, I thought it would be okay to show the little cutie! :-)
And here's Mr. D. with his pumpkin choice!
This is the Cock's Comb that they grow. This was about 8" across and difficult to photograph. They are kind of a hot fuchsia color which doesn't photograph accurately.
There were several types of sunflowers with lots of bees.

There were Zinnias in several colors and both the bees and the moths loved them!
We had a nice picnic lunch there and instead of bringing a messy cake to the pumpkin patch I made chocolate chip bar cookies, which were a hit. This is J and A with Daddy in the background as the other half of the Papparazzi! LOLAnd Hubby got me taking pictures too! We couldn't actually light the candles because there was just enough breeze to blow them out. D was a good sport and pretended!
J thought they were finger licking good!

After eating the kids climbed in the trees. D in the first photo, J in the second.

That evening we continued the birthday celebration. D's poor pitiful cake. Mom was sick before his birthday so he just got fake frosting from a can and candy cars stuck on top. It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen, but he didn't care...it had cars!

D nearly went crazy the day before when this huge box arrived from Aunt Shelley. It killed him to wait. Shell...can you see in his face how much he LOVED it!?

This was the prize, a "Lightning Fast Speedway". We haven't played with it yet because it takes C batteries, which we picked up tonight. That will be tomorrow's excitement!

Sisters each got him a Bibleman movie, a book and a Cars movie car. Do you think he liked the cars?

He practically knocked A over giving her a hug for the car!

J got a similar tackle hug, but notice he isn't taking his eyes off those cars for long! LOL

The girls, A and J, were facinated, watching as he opened the rest of his presents. He got some clothes, books and school books, but the only things he cared about naturally were the Cars movie toys.
He was really excited about this Lego-like Mack and Lightning which we had to put together right away.
The girls were very curious about it all and waited patiently to join in. That's A looking on.

D and A take a peek and see Lightning in the back of Mack.

The next night there were two more packages from Grandma and Grandpa in Washington. How long can we drag this thing out? LOL

One of the neat things was a book on how to draw "things that move".
This is J. And in closing I just want to ask Mom...how much more of this paper do you have???!!! She's had a huge roll and been using it at least 15 years... it is never going to be used up or disappear! LOL